Episode 1: The Omnipotent Dudes' Little Dudes (Part 1)

At a top secret research base, in an undisclosed location, somewhere under a major British city.

"I'm just saying that the museum might get more visitors if the station was still open *and* we wouldn't look half as suspicious coming down here."
The voice was coming from a nervous guy in an argyle cardigan with elbow patches and thick glasses held together by sticky tape and paperclips. His name was Dr Daniel Boyd, a crackpot historian (I don't think I've ever seen a truly sane historian), who was shunned by most of academia for suggesting that the Incan step pyramids were used to communicate with aliens.
Dr Boyd was shown into a large meeting room. After an hour or so sitting patiently a door opened and a little old lady stuck her head into the room.
"Tea or coffee love?"
"Err..." Boyd's hesitation was caused, not by indecision, but by the surprise of the question. "Coffee, please, black no sugar."
"Right you are, dear"
A few minutes later the tea lady returned with a plate of biscuits. The biscuits were the sort you get in the cheapest of assortments. Boyd helped himself to a pink wafer and munched it thoughtfully. She returned with two steaming mugs. She put one next to the Dr Boyd and the other a few seats further down and then left.
Daniel turned at a noise behind him and realised that there was a military officer looking over his shoulder. He was an imposing figure approximately five foot six across the shoulders and well over six feet tall. The uniform looked as though it had once been impressive but had faded through overuse.
"Good," He paused to check his watch scowled and continued "Morning, Doctor Boyd. My name is Bwigadier Ewic Pipes. Before we go any further I need you to sign a welease document." Pipes pushed a stack of paper towards Boyd that made War and Peace look like a book on famous Belgians.
"How long do I have to read it?"
"I wouldn't bother if I were you. Most of it just deals with the gwisily details of what we'll do to you if you talk to anyone about anything you see down here"
Boyd picked up the top sheet began to read it. After a minute or two he picked up his mug. "Do you have my coffee Brigadier? I seem to have your tea"
"We all have tea with thwee sugars here. We've never worked out why Mrs Logan insists on asking when she never listens to the answers"
Boyd hurriedly signed the papers.
"You have built quite a weputation for your theowies about Incan pywamids."
"Look, I wrote that paper as a joke and I must have sent it off when I was drunk. I wish people would stop going on and on about it. I've submitted dozens of papers about ancient South American cultures and all anyone remembers is the aliens."
The brigadier appeared not to notice the protest. "We have an ancient artefact I think you'll be wather intewested in"
He led the way into a huge cavernous room about forty metres cube. Supported against one wall was a shallow dish like object at least ten feet across. Carved into the edge was the legend "Rajff;pgar{AtirolLehR%hpDjmmk" and in the centre was a circle surrounded by several dozen strange symbols.
"Impressive," said Dr Boyd, impressed. "But what does this have to do with me?"
"A detailed wepwesentation of this artefact was found engwaved on the wall of a five hundred year old temple in Bolivia." The brigadier replied. "However we have been unable to twanslate the accompanying hiewoglyphs." He opened a door in to another smaller room. On a table were laid out a number of photographs of the previously mentioned temple.
It was one commercial break or six weeks later depending on your frame of reference. The dish room had been cleared of all personnel apart from the project's top military scientist Captain Alexandra "Alex" Winter BSc MSc PhD(Latuca sativa). Alex pressed the centre of the dish with her right hand and lightly brushed ten of the symbols with her left.
A burst of visible electricity circled the rim. Suddenly an hemispherical force field formed around the dish pulling Captain Winter into the centre. At the same moment a glowing portal, only slightly larger than the dish, opened in the wall behind it. The support structure buckled slightly as the dish made a concerted effort to reach the portal. But British engineering (using German parts, French designs and Polish workers) proved to be more than capable of holding it in place.
In a viewing gallery built in to the farthest wall the brigadier was joined by Daniel who was reading the final page of his translation with every sign of fascination (which is odd considering he wrote it). He looked up. "You can't test it yet! I haven't completed my report."
"What kind of steweotypical militawy leader would I be if I waited to understand things before meddling? We know enough to start it up, that should help us find out what it does."
The light from the portal suddenly ceased with a stock sound effect. Captain Winter was released and, walking like someone who know they'll never live it down if they collapse, made her way to the communications junction on the nearest wall.
(Cue flashback to two weeks earlier)
Daniel had spent a month studying the pictures, making notes and drinking sweet tea (despite ordering coffee). Until, suddenly, he realised why it didn't make sense. "Eureka!"
As if by magic, the Brigadier appeared. "You've made a breakthwough?"
"Gaaaah!" Boyd jumped in surprise. "Yaaaah!" Boyd dropped his tea on to his lap. "Ah, Bwi...Brigadier. Yes it's an instruction manual, it's taking so long because it's written in two languages and one of them appears to be gibberish."
"So now you know what it does and how to make it do it?"
"Not a clue. But I do know that batteries were included but the technical support line wasn't 24 hours."
(End flashback)
The comms junction in the viewing gallery crackled and Winter's voice rang out clearly "jGiorlesnbs;oDfhJbbosoRrynOhiddEncodeEr$spjbi)ts[bmRt9i"
"Is there a pwoblem Captain?" wespond... ahem... responded the Brigadier
"ghIritaOeanm&obrEh?" Was the only reply
"We seem to be having a communications pwoblem!" The brigadier bellowed into the microphone before turning to Dr Boyd "Is there anything in your twanslation that explains this interference?"
"Nothing immediately springs to mind." Boyd looked thoughtful for a moment and then hazarded "There was something about configuring a universal translator. But that shouldn't be hooked into your comms system."
The system crackled again. "This is Sergeant Davis, the Captain has collapsed and appears to be speaking gibberish"
"Ah-ha wasn't that the other language on the engwavings?"
Boyd resisted the urge to smack his head against the wall by gritting his teeth. "I don't think that's its official name but it is possible that that is exactly what she's speaking." He sighed and continued "Give me forty eight hours to work out how to fix the problem and then ship her off to a loony bin."
Less than twenty-four hours later Dr D. Boyd found himself standing in front of the dish ready to test the product of his researches. He placed his right hand on the centre circle, the symbols flashed briefly. He pulled his hand away again. "I think it's meant to be lying on the floor!"
Another three hours passed during the commercial break and found the dish lying on the ground in the centre of the room. Daniel had laid out a large number of notes around the centre and now took a deep breath before pressing the centre again. The symbols flashed briefly and then started glowing as he passed his left hand over them. After the eleventh symbol (which looked distressingly like the Lib Dem logo) a voice resonated through the dish. It was clearly pre-recorded and spoke clearly and calmly with the slightly disjointed style of a telephone menu system. "gXr^anbvoTe4paUlnBo aj\gDg>jofd" It began. "iogrGboaPgjo vby;oibn eigrGboaPgjo vmoi@dfs kfgrGboaPgjo rs¬yNgolsd"
Daniel briefly consulted his notes and swiped at a symbol shaped like a frog in a blender. "noUe,snsToplOokIngboa.nBo~lEtheReareNo49bmesSagesdklz."
Finally the unflappable doctor gave in and shouted "SPEAK ENGLISH YOU BLOODY THING!"
The dish let out a loud beep and said "New language setting ... English." and then as an after thought "Please confirm setting by pressing any key" Boyd made a half-hearted swipe at a symbol that looked like a ferret with a firecracker up its posterior. "Confirmed"
Boyd sighed with relief and sat back. The recorded voice cut in again unprompted "Prepare for external reconfiguration." A burst of electricity circled the outside of the dish. A semi-transparent hemispherical force field sealed Daniel inside the dish and it fell through a portal in the floor. The portal closed behind it leaving a large circle of smouldering concrete.
It's too soon for another commercial break, so instead we'll cut away to the sick bay and see how Alex is coping. "GnUI£ANvOADoNtgOAWaY\BNpB¥WNMB;SmBZO4HJZ!" Badly, it would appear. The chief medical officer, Dr Chibi Rothery, was just administering another sedative when suddenly Alex grabbed his wrist and shouted "VNDR7FjU FROM ME!"
Dr Rothery took a step backwards "Can you understand me Captain?" He had never had a good bedside manner. The doctor was tall, skinny and generally less telegenic than the doctor lined up to replace him in episode 2. The knowledge that he was a senior member of staff on a one episode contract made him a somewhat nervous individual at the best of times and a woman in uniform shouting nonsense at him had not helped. "Captain?"
Captain Winter sighed "Yes. I assume you can understand me now as well. Good, whatever it was has worn off." With that she got out of bed and ignoring the protests of the doctor, left in search of the brigadier.
Pipes was in a meeting with Dr Preston, the leading civilian scientist. Captain Winter joined them. (What we aren't telling you is that this was some time later, perhaps we can establish this in the dialogue.) "It's been thwee days since he disappeared" (Score!) "Are you any closer to working out what's happened to him?" (OK, I just need you to confirm that you're talking about Daniel)
"We believe Dr Boyd opened some kind of wormhole, which would imply that he is somewhere else in space-time." Doctor Preston began. "However during the initial test a field was established around Captain Winter as part of the universal translation system. By measuring the strength and flow of energy in this field I have determined that the dish returned to Earth approximately eighty-three minutes after it departed and has re-established a linguistic link with the Captain. Who sadly has only had brief moments of communicative clarity."
"And I wish I hadn't wasted one of them on that." Alex retorted. "Dr Preston believes Boyd has landed somewhere in northern Canada. But I haven't been able to check his working"
At that moment the telephone rang. "What a wemarkable coincidence. Put him thwough." The brigadier pressed the speaker phone button. "Doctor Boyd. How's the weather?"
"Hot and humid. I seem to have landed outside the original temple in Bolivia."
The commercial break ended a few seconds before it started. However the action has switched to some place like Bolivia.
Daniel was standing inside a phone box outside an ancient temple. "I seem to have landed outside the original temple in Bolivia... Yes, landed... No, lis... No, listen... listen... thank you. The translator's a bit flaky get Captain Winter she'll understand... oh, good... The dish? It's fine but it seems to have turned into a phone box... No, really a phone box... British circa 1950... I need you to starting rigging something up for me... I found an annex with details on setting up a homing beacon... Brigadier, if the language changes again trust her to build it... this is what you need to do..." There was a crackling noise and he made a sound like a cow being milked under enemy fire. Then a noise like a firework exploding backwards. Daniel checked his notes and uttered a sound like a rooster in a bag of spanners being drowned in custard. There was another crackle "Shraaaaaaaa. Pt pt" he concluded and hung up the phone.
In the secret base Captain Winter drew a picture on a piece of paper, handed it to the brigadier and walked out of the room.
Brigadier Eric Pipes had never had an artistic impulse in his life, but the picture he now held in his hand was the most beautiful thing he'd seen in his life. It was simply the most perfect depiction of the essence of everything he held dear and gave him an unparalleled feeling of well being and value as a human. In front of his eyes the picture swirled and became a hand written note saying simply "Envoyez une équipe en Bolivie pour rassembler lui et de l'équipement lourd. Je serai dans mon laboratoire si vous avez besoin de moi."
The Brigadier grabbed the phone and dialled. "Colonel Anderson? Pwep a team to leave for South Amewica at twenty thwee hundwed hours." He still couldn't understand the note but felt that his well paid job guarding alien technology, would be less secure than he previously believed, if anyone found out that said technology had escaped.
Pipes pressed a button on the phone. "Doctor Wothewy... Well, get him... Why's he locked in a cupboard?... Lot's of chawacters get witten out without dying... I don't know. He could be pwomoted... Given that he's locked in a cupboard. Not vewy high... Just tell him to get out of the cupboard and stay away fwom sharp objects in carpeted aweas... Because bleeding to death is messy and cleaning bills... Ah, Doctor... No but it got you to come to the phone... I was just calling to give you a heads up about an uninoculated individual we are bwinging in fwom South Amewica. Be weady to diagnose and tweat any twopical diseases he might have caught."
Over the course of the following montage Alex is seen working on a piece of applied phlebotinum while Dr Boyd and Colonel Anderson meet and load a stone altar and an AT&T phone booth on to a Chinook, in Bolivia. After returning to the UK Daniel enters the other half of the montage and is seen conversing with Alex and helping with the device. The music fades to a level where voices are audible over it. The camera shifts to show Anderson and Preston standing in the doorway. "What's with the music Doc?"
"Not sure but their lips are moving in time to it, so I'm guessing..." Preston's long and quite frankly dull explanation of philology was cut off by a series of massive power chords from Captain Winter. After a few seconds of air guitar Colonel Anderson recovered his wits enough to ask "Does that mean she's finished?"
"No idea. For all I can tell she could be swearing."
"But aren't you a senior scientist, while she has also received some basic military training, so should you be able to follow what she's doing?"
"Possibly, but she appeals to our key demographic and the military training lets her get involved in all sorts of sweaty situations and no one is going to like seeing her out thought by a short balding fat guy in his forties." That was when they both noticed that the music had stopped. "I just hope they aren't back on English or I suspect my life will be made a living hell."
Captain Winter had made no sign of understanding Doctor Preston but instead addressed Daniel "Nachdem wir Umkehr der Polarität des Neutronflusses, wir müssen nur die Einstellungen für diesen Schalter. Dann sollten wir in der Lage zu verstehen, alles, was sie sagen, wieder."
"Wie werden wir wissen, wenn es funktioniert?"
"Stanzen der kahlen Kerl, bis er spricht. Wenn sonst nichts, es wird lustig."
The device emitted a rising hum. Captain Winter nodded at Daniel who moved purposefully towards the door. "what now?" Dr Preston enquired.
Boyd, Pipes and Winter (That sounds like a folk group - Sorry don't mind me)
Boyd, Pipes and Winter are sitting in the conference room, it's clearly been several minutes since the last shot. Winter is coming to the end of some dreadfully dull piece of technobabble that contravenes at least one law of physics "... the phase shift on the neutron flow to the precise euclidian ..." OK perhaps not near enough to the end, let's spool forward a bit... "... synchronised with the field cancelling it out completely"
There was a knock at the door. Colonel Anderson put his head around it "Did I miss the explanation?" he enquired.
"I'd just finished, giving the brigadier a summary of..."
"In other words, yes. Good. It's safe for me to come back in. Did she explain how and why a ten foot bowl turned into a phone box?"
"I did, but if you want I could go over it again."
"No! I mean, no need, I’ll read your report later."
"I imagine you've both dealt with the colonel alweady but I guess a formal intwoduction wouldn't hurt now that you can understand each other" The brigadier began as Anderson took a seat at the table and sat on it. "This is Colonel R. Thomas Anderson fwom Army special pwojects. He will be acting as a militawy advisor here."
Before anyone could respond Mrs Logan slipped in and said "Would any of you like Tea or Coffee?"
"Coffee, black, no sugar" Said Boyd who now knew that really it didn't matter what he said, having received tea whilst ordering in Spanish, Dutch, Flemish, Ido, Rigelian, Klingon, Interlac, Draconic, Cardassian, Tribble, Old High Gallifreyan and Welsh.
"Tea, white, thwee sugars" The Brigadier didn't like tea either but he liked to look in control.
"Tea, Earl Grey, hot" Captain Winter was a bit of a secret nerd. This explains the science and engineering, I guess.
"A cup of tepid lemon squash with an old tea bag in it" The colonel liked to think he had a sense of humour and wanted to test just how far away from tea you had to get before she noticed.
Mrs Logan departed. The brigadier turned to Captain Winter "Does anything we've wecovered have any pwactical purpose that we could make use of?"
"Yes, most of it would be of interest to a well funded military." Winter paused and continued icily "Even the British Army could use some of it. And before you ask, after studying it in two different configurations, I could reproduce most of it with parts from Halfords and Maplins."
"Can you build a translator won't cause this chaos every time?" Tom Anderson butted in. "'Cause that would be useful in my line of work."
"As long as we keep the travel pod in regular use it shouldn't be a problem"
"Travel pod... you mean the phone box?"
"The original does appear to take the form of a communications device as part of it's local settings. The original dish was most likely a phone box equivalent for whatever species brought it to Earth."
"If you can pwovide technical specifications for wepwoducing this technology could they be used to visit other planets?" Pipes could see a chance for his superiors to make his life exciting and hoped he could chase it away. "If so why aren't they coming here?"
"We could go to other planets, yes sir." Winter had seen a gleam of hope in her CO's eye and wanted to impress him. "But we'd have trouble getting back, for the same reason they aren't coming here and for that matter the same reason the translator malfunctioned. We needed to repair the homing beacon."
The fade out to commercial indicates that there was more of this tedious loose end tying and technobabbling. Thankfully after the break we are in the test room, used earlier, now called the embarcation room or "The Exchange". The Incan alter is fitted to the middle of the room and next to it is the red phone box. Colonel Anderson, Captain Winter and Doctor Boyd are in military fatigues. Being given a final check up by Doctor Rothery is a fourth member of their team; an American major forced on them in exchange for partial funding and a share of merchandising rights. His name is Major Theo Kaputsky.
"In the seven months since Doctor Boyd performed the first successful test flight of this alien technology, we have succeeded in establishing a network of base stations that allow us to deploy a wepwesentative of her majesty's government to any city on the globe in minutes." The Brigadier was nervous. Not least because the people he was talking to knew more about the subject than he did. "But today marks our first attempt to send human beings to another planet. You are the four bwave people tasked with being the first humans to pwovably meet life fwom another planet."
There was a dramatic silence. "How do you expect the four of us to fit into a phone box, wearing full combat gear?" Anderson enquired wrecking the mood somewhat.
The brigadier deflated a little. "We don't." Captain Winter came to his rescue. "My team have successfully duplicated the technology and installed it in a larger... craft" She gesticulated towards a squat metal construction behind them.
"It's inside the cargo container?" He saw the look on her face. "We're going to travel halfway across the galaxy in a cargo container!"
"Excellent!" Everyone looked at Kaputsky, who up until now had not made any intelligent contribution to the conversation. He still hadn't and was making his position worse. After a few moments to let the enormity of his faux pas sink in, the conversation returned to important matters.
"It should at least be roomy in there with just the four of us." The colonel continued, opening the door and looking in. "Hey what's in these packing crates?"
Theo peered over his shoulder and said "Guns. Lots of guns."
"Actually it's mostly food and medical supplies in case we end up stranded somewhere." Alex corrected him. "And I hope it won't just be the four of us. I put in a request for a medic to accompany us after one of the rougher landings on a test flight." At this Doc Rothery dropped everything and started running for the exit screaming "I'm not contracted for episode two! If I go with you I'll be dead before we land!"
"Stwange fellow." The brigadier commented making a mental note to have the doctor relieved of duty. "Anyway, Corpowal Wyan of the medical corps is alweady in the cwew compartment." With that he turned and left the room.
Shortly after he left an electrical arc flashed around the container and it disappeared into the floor.

Episode 2: The Omnipotent Dudes' Little Dudes - Part II (Party On!)

It was rectangular, red and heavy. It put Colonel R. Thomas Anderson in mind of a house brick. It was forty feet long, eight feet tall, hollow and made of steel, but its brick-like qualities couldn't be ignored completely. Especially when you know you're falling inside it he reasoned.
How did I end up in charge of this... no hang on. In what way am I in charge of this bunch of halfwits? He pondered to himself. Boyd is a civilian, Kaputsky is an American and Winter is the only one who knows how to fly this damn thing. If they refused to follow an order I don't think I could make them obey. At least Corporal Ryan would listen to me, but she's a medic and doesn't carry a weapon. But they won't mutiny too much, after all I'll get any blame if things go wrong, all they'd ever get is credit. Anderson stopped that train of thought and got off before it reached the inevitable terminus.
The crew compartment was fifteen feet by six. It contained six seats, three against each wall. It gave the impression of being in a makeshift minibus, correction, falling in a makeshift minibus. The seats had been acquired from a number of ford fiestas on a local scrapheap and had been fitted with five point harnesses to give the illusion of safety. The controls such as they were, were on a panel in front of Captain Alex Winter (front right) with a set of displays in front of Dr Daniel Boyd next to her.
Colonel Anderson was sitting behind the captain, mostly so he could see if he could work out how to pilot the, for want of a better word, ship. The American officer, Major Theo Kaputsky, next to him had said nothing since they set off. Suddenly he leaned across "You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?" The colonel's no doubt colourful reply was lost in a massive reverberating BANG accompanied by a feeling of sudden deceleration. It was like being in a massive cargo container when it was dropped from a great height.
As the echoes died away leaving only a ringing in everyone's ears, a small green light on Captain Winter's panel came on. "We've landed" she said. Tom looked at her and replied "No sh-"

We cut somewhat hastily to the surface of the planet. In an area that looks remarkably like the New Forest two surprisingly human like natives are communicating using a series of unintelligible hooting and yammering noises. We will run these through a fully functional translation field set to English and connected to a properly installed base station. "Greetings Brivaukale, how are your exposition classes going?"
"Not as well as I'd like, Eyieendmndrt, they closed the school at lunchtime when one of the students turned out to be harbouring a rebel leader."
"Who closed the school? Which student? Which rebel leader? How many leaders do the rebels have? Are the rebels good guys or terrorists? Is the government one which any passing hero might oppose as well?"
"See, I'm just not suited to exposition. I didn't think of any of those points and I can't see how to work them into a naturalistic statement. I'll never be as good as you."
"Calm down I've had years of practice. If you're really worried, talk to your teacher about it."
"I can't. I told you, the enforcers closed the school."
"That was real?" The elder of the two men looked thoughtful. "Then I guess your exposition was good enough, considering your target audience. But if I'd been a main character..." The lesson was cut short by a flash of light in the sky followed by a loud BANG! "What was that?!"
"A giant house brick fell out of the sky over by the great altar." Brivaukale took a deep breath "Which is half a mile directly behind you and therefore out of your field of vision but clearly within mine." He felt a touch of pride at performing his first genuine exposition.
"What's a house brick?"

We can now safely return to the interior of the 'ship'. The safety harnesses have all been undone, Alex and Corporal Ryan are the only ones still in their seats. Daniel is looking through his hand luggage for notes on something that he clearly believes is going to be important to the return journey. Colonel Anderson and Major Kaputsky are retrieving their weapons from the rear of the compartment and are swapping unpleasantries. "I know the American method for dealing with these situations but, if you so much as cock that gun without my approval, I'll shoot you myself."
"And it's still our first date." Theo looked pleased with his quip and continued. "Sometimes a little distraction's a good thing."
"And sometimes it can be the difference between a friendly understanding between two leaders and the start of Earth's first interplanetary war. So don't do anything to cause the latter while the former is still possible."
At that moment Daniel found what he was looking for in his notes and shouted "Seven three POINT four!" Anderson, Kaputsky and Ryan all looked at him quizzically. "Sorry, I think we'll need to make some alterations to the landing system before we go back."
Thomas Anderson sighed, as he always did when a workman told him that something needed adjusting. "How long will it take to do the work?"
"Not long." Captain Winter announced. "But the engines will need fifteen hours to recharge before we can leave."
"Well then, unlock the doors and let's see who or what is outside." The colonel ordered and almost immediately the dead bolts could be heard retracting from the compartment door. "OK Captain you and Doctor Boyd start work on giving us a lighter touch down. Ryan get the sickbay unpacked and ready just in case. Major you're with me. We'll go and greet any natives then scout the immediate area."
The two senior officers stepped out on to an alien landscape that looked remarkably like a quarry near Cardiff. "No sign of a welcoming committee." The colonel noted. "No sign of anyone for that matter. No I tell a lie there’s two civilians over by the tree line." They headed off looking as unthreatening as two heavily armed men possibly could.

Meanwhile back inside, Corporal Ryan, whose passport would confirm her given name as Dawn was in what passed for a sick bay. The room was barely six foot square and contained a bed, a chair and a lot of formica cupboards. Ryan looked through every cupboard and drawer noting the location of everything she felt they were likely to need and then sat on the chair and waited for something to go horribly wrong.
Dawn Ryan had never had an optimistic view of the world. Her father had never accepted her, possibly she later realised because he and her mother were both natural blondes while she was raven haired and far darker skinned than either of them. At school she had been bullied, being named Dawn whilst having a naturally dusky appearance had lead to name calling and destroyed her self confidence. So she had joined the military where the insults tended to be personal and institutionalised. She had medical training and could perform field surgery in an emergency. Presumably, this therefore precludes her from performing routine field surgery and cosmetic field surgery.
She sat in the sick bay listening to the others over her radio. From this she gathered that the colonel was heading into the woods with the yank and was asking the blonde bimbo to join him, whilst the nerdy guy was about to reach into the engine to fiddle with something. She stood up and opened cupboard 23 'Burns Supplies'.

Anderson and Kaputsky reached the two men at the edge of the landing ground. "I wish I could say something classy and inspirational," The major began in place of a greeting. "But that just wouldn't be our style."
The younger and more nervous of the two men took a deep breath and said "A big red box just feel out of the sky near the sacred altar."
"Yes, Brivaukale, they know that." His older and wiser companion pointed out. "They just came out of it. Sorry gentlemen he's a bit nervous at the moment. A friend of his was dragged off by the patrols for harbouring a rebel who continued to speak out against the emperor and his duly appointed lords."
"Ah, from the sound of things we should probably pay our respects to the local lord before he has us dragged away as well." The colonel decided. He pressed the button on his radio. "Captain we're approximately five hundred yards north of the 'travel pod' about to enter a wooded area. I'd like you to join us as soon as your repairs are complete." (It never hurts to have an extra smart person on your side when dealing with megalomaniacs).

As the commercial break fades away we find three of our heroes being lead through the woods by a professional expositionist and his apprentice. "... while others believe that the purpose of existence is simply to exist and that any deeper meaning applied to it is, at best, transitory."
After a moment of silence the colonel's eyes stopped spinning and he calmly said "Thank you, Daniel, but what I actually meant was, 'Why are you here instead of Captain Winter?'"
"Oh, she felt that leaving the base to be defended by the only two non-weapons trained personnel was a strategically suspect decision and sent me to suggest a revision to your order." Daniel replied. "But when I got here you said 'You'll do.' and then dragged me off along this frankly inadequate path."
"Fair enough. We're off to talk to the lord of the manor to apologise for landing on his patch and establish a basis for future negotiations." The colonel began. "Unless he turns out to be a power crazed loony, in which case... Major, I hope you remember how that gun works."
"Couldn't forget it if I tried." Theo tried to strike a dramatic pose, which he quickly discovered is difficult to do while walking, especially when the audience for said pose are walking in single file ahead of you.
The group reached the edge of the woods just over the top of a hill and stopped. From this vantage point they could see the green slope descending into a valley where a very business like road was clearly visible. At the end of a road was an imposing building. Not just imposing in fact, ominous. If it had been a dark and stormy night rather than a pleasant spring morning you would have expected the gate to open and disgorge a squad of undead horsemen with a jewellery fixation. It gave the impression that the architect had just been told "make it look evil."
"What are those?" The colonel pointed to a group of three or four furry things that were gathering outside the main gate.
"It's hard to say," replied their guide. "Their own name for themselves does not translate well but we just think of them as the lord's enforcers. Who knows what world they originated on, but now you will find hundreds of them on all the worlds of the empire."
"Are you saying," Said Daniel fascinated. "That this empire covers more than one world?"
"We are told that the emperor rules over ten thousand worlds and will conquer the rest within our life time." Eyieendmndrt looked embarrassed. "Personally, I doubt he rules more than two to three hundred, judging by the trade patterns and the frequency of his visits to this area, which would be only a minor stronghold in an empire of more than a thousand planets."
"He visits here quite regularly then?" The colonel felt he had to check who he'd be talking to in the castle. "Is he here at the moment?"
"No." Said Brivaukale, "He isn't"
"What my young apprentice meant to say is that the imperial standard is not flying." Eyieendmndrt hastily interjected. "But the patrol of imperial enforcers," Here he pointed to a group of enforcers with black fur being lead by two men in purple uniforms. "Suggests he is due for a visit before the sun sets. If you wish to talk peace, you should speak with Lord Stan and be gone before the emperor arrives. However, we can travel with you no further, good luck."
"If we have to fight our way out," Anderson mused and remembering their initial encounter continued, "Should we try to liberate your friend on the way out?"
Brivaukale looked despondent. "Aughoughwor? If he's lucky they'll have executed him by now. But you could probably rescue the rebel leader he was harbouring."
Eyieendmndrt expanded, "We called him Wileraughu but his real name is one of those awkward alien names like yours."
"If we pass him on the way out, we'll do what we can." Anderson declared firmly, hoping to avoid further details that would make such a rescue possible.
As the three earth men made their way carefully down the hill through fields of grass and wild flowers that were, from a distance at least, remarkably similar to those found on the cleaner parts of Earth. Brivaukale turned to his mentor and said "Eyieendmndrt, I'm crap at exposition. I'm going to retrain as a deus ex machina." With that he wandered off in the opposite direction.

Returning to sick bay we find Corporal Ryan lying on the sick bed reading a copy of Learning to Fly by Victoria Beckham. Captain Winter enters holding her left hand as if it was injured. "I think I burnt my wrist on the engine manifold."
Corporal Ryan carefully marked her place and looked at the captain's wrist. "It's not badly burned." She said and picked up the ointment she'd prepared earlier. "I thought the ner... Doctor Boyd had dealt with the engine earlier. So, either you don't trust him or you got so bored waiting for the plot to involve us that you burned yourself as an excuse to talk."
"Doctor Boyd isn't a real engineer. He has a pretty firm grasp on which component does what but I wouldn't trust him to fit any of them." Alex responded. "And you should show more respect to a superior officer."
"Sir, sorry, sir." She apologised with more than a slight hint of sarcasm. "In future I will..." At this point she is cut off by the sound of the exterior door being opened violently.

Now that We've established that the other two characters are alive and probably being a much more entertaining we cut away from them and show the scene outside Lord Stan's fortress. At this distance the enforcers look like short-haired wookies that have been through a spin cycle. That is to say that they are about seven feet tall, fluffy and look like they not only could rip your arm off but are planning to do so just soon as they manage to focus. All of the enforcers leaving the building are taupe fading to goldenrod in places, as are those on guard duty. Each group of enforcers is accompanied by at least one human in a uniform that looks like a WWII German uniform dyed aquamarine.
The group approaching the gate however consist of two officers in purple uniforms and eleven black enforcers. They stop at the gate to talk to the human guard on duty in the manor of a time honoured ceremony. "Does this fortress remain loyal to the emperor?"
"Loyal and steadfast. May the emperor reign for a thousand years." At this point the guard looked satisfied that tradition had been maintained and slipped into a more normal mode of speech. "Which I think we're both pretty glad about 'cos while your lot'd win any fight we started I doubt either of us would live to see it."
"True enough," His colleague replied. "Of course if your man Stan were to decide to betray the emperor, you'd be the last to hear about it and wouldn't admit it if you had. But they always insist on ceremony." Now that they were on friendly terms the purple guard returned to business. "By the way, Ghunkub, we captured a couple of illegal immigrants up by the altar. Could you find a nice cosy cell for them?"
"With all the building work we've really only got one cell, but I imagine there's still room for five more prisoners." Guard Commander Ghunkub replied indicating the three soldiers walking up behind the imperial enforcers.

Colonel Anderson had thought long and hard about what he should say to the guards. He didn't want to sound threatening, after all starting an interplanetary war wasn't on his to do list, but he didn't want to seem subservient either. If he deprecated himself to a guardsman it would harm his claim to be an ambassador. The obvious line was "We come in peace" but the closer he got to those enforcers the more it seemed to him that anyone coming in peace would leave in pieces. No, the best course of action was to keep it short and formal until he could speak to someone in authority. As they approached, the enforcers moved aside and one of the human officers walked towards them. "Take me to your leader."

The second commercial break ends and sadly we must return to the plot. However, there are still commercials on other channels. We have to stay here, you have a choice. If any of you are still here, presumably because you lost the remote, you will notice that all the entire crew are locked up in a large prison cell several hours later. Yes all five of them. Does that really count as a crew? I mean, honestly, Enterprise had a crew of 84 and no one counts them as a real Star Trek crew so five is clearly more of a team.
Major Kaputsky was pacing up and down wearing a groove in the floor by the doors. Corporal Ryan sat in a corner trying to be ignored. Colonel Anderson was inspecting the brick work looking for potential escape routes. "If only we had some C4 and a detonator." he kept muttering. He had been carrying some when he was captured and was surprised when a guard recognised it as a weapon and confiscated it. Captain Winter was leaning against a wall trying live down the fact that she'd grabbed the wrong thing from the table when going for her gun. She was sadly still holding the corporal's copy of Learning to Fly and was getting bored enough to consider reading it.
Finally the colonel seemed to have found a section of mortar he seemed to think he could remove to facilitate their release. "Major," he hissed, "Is there anyone watching the cell?"
The major stopped pacing and went to the bars. A taupe enforcer glared back at him. "Whatever it is that's watching," he said, "It isn't human."
"It's more human than you might think." They all looked at each other. After a few seconds of dumbfounded gawping they decided that it wasn't one of them that had said it and began looking around. "Down here." The voice appeared to be coming from a ball of fur about a foot across, lying on the ground near the corporal. She picked it up and showing a level of tact no one had hitherto realised she could employ said, "You're a talking ginger hair ball." That's right the other four didn't know that tact went that low.
It's almost impossible to read the expression on a creature without facial features, particularly one so much smaller than you and at a distance. That said, everyone but Dawn knew that it was looking affronted at her remark. "A hair ball?!" After a moment he continued vitriol condensing from every syllable. "I'm a tribble. Not that I imagine that means much to you." There was another pause during which he did the tribble equivalent of taking several deep breaths. He continued "My name is William and I was until this morning leader of a small group of rebels trying to encourage regime change in the upper echelons of the imperial government."
"You're a terrorist?" The colonel stared in disbelief, "I assume you don't throw bombs at people. What with the lack of limbs. So you must take more of a planning role."
"Clearly you haven't encountered a tribble before." William sighed. "We may look harmless, two hundred years ago we were harmless, but one day a number of tribbles started to develop mental abilities that helped compensate for our physical shortcomings. For example, the guard outside the door was once human, probably a prisoner, 'Lord' Stan took his mind and he became that creature. The people call them enforcers, in modern tribble we call them thralls, but our ancestors would have called them jopuhopiedhelloritalmo,pb0bjiesobnoeu."
As the humans looked at the thing guarding them William extrapolated, "We have tried freeing them from their enslavement. It doesn't work. Everything that made them who they were is purged from their minds and absorbed by their master. They need regular psychic contact to remain peaceable, so if they stray too far for too long they will just rampage and kill everyone on instinct. We know it's possible for a tribble to return a subject's mind in a limited way and this allows the thrall to remain physically human. They uses these free thinking thralls as relays to control the jopuhopiedhelloritalmo,pb0bjiesobnoeu whilst their masters are away. But even these cannot be freed, they are programmed to be loyal and to surrender their humanity if they are kept away for too long."
"In other words the nasty hair balls can turn people into mindless drones that may or may not become monsters." The corporal translated. "Now, can you get us out of here? That thing is a mindless shell under tribble remote control, right? So, couldn't you just take over its control and make it unlock the cell?"
"I'd like to point out three things to you. One, I don't agree with slavery so taking a thrall is not something I could do and still be welcome in the rebellion. Two, if I try to take control of it, my mind will be more vulnerable to psychic attack from other tribbles. Three, they wouldn't trust a fully conditioned thrall with the key to a tribble's cell unless it was a trap."
Colonel Anderson wandered over to the cell door and took a close look at the taupe monstrosity. "It's a trap." He said and returned to hacking at mortar. The thrall turned and walked away from the cell. "How long will they keep us waiting here? Only I think we're expected home fairly soon."
"You will be here until Stan can contact the emperor and they agree on what to do with you." William answered. "I will be here until they break my mental barriers or until I die."
"The emperor's guards were arriving around the time we were arrested." Daniel stated realising that he hadn't spoken in this scene, "Is there anyway to speed up the decision process?"
"The emperor is psychically strong and power crazed." William imparted, "I doubt the decision will favour you. Generally the only issue is whether to enslave you here, or return you to your home and let the local lord do it."
"Our planet isn't part of the empire." Alex pointed out. Primarily because she hadn't spoken yet either.
"Of course it isn't." William sighed again. "To the best of my knowledge the empire of ten thousand worlds, consists of two hundred cities and citadels on three planets and Cervo Pelle, the imperial citadel, is the only place where technology like yours would be permitted. If he believed you came from Cervo Pelle, the emperor would have had you killed immediately."
Listening to the tortured explanation of simple logic finally caused Theo Kaputsky to snap. He grabbed the cell door and shouted to the empty corridor. "I know you're out there! I know that you're afraid," In anyone but an American this would be called wishful thinking, "You're afraid of us! You're afraid of change! I don't know the future! I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end! I came here to tell you how it's going to begin! I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see! I'm going to show them a world without you! A world where anything is possible!"
A door opened and a squad of human guards in purple uniforms came to the cell and grabbed Theo. "Are you in the one in charge of this group?" Their commander asked.
"I'm not The One." he replied.
"You'll do." They dragged him away.

Time passed, or at least a number of set hands moved the lighting positions to create different shadows. The colonel was still trying to strip the mortar from the brickwork and had been joined in his efforts by Corporal Ryan, I leave it up to you to work out if he ordered her to help or if she's developing a form of Stockholm syndrome. Captain Winter had carefully shifted her position closer to William in order to ask him something privately. "Do you have any idea what's on the far side of that wall?"
William thought for a moment, "I did get hold of a map of this place once, but these don't look like standard cells so we must be in auxiliary holding. Which means the other side of that wall would be..." He paused for a moment, "The guard's recreation room. Do you think we ought to tell them?"
"If keeps them busy and stops them from thinking about how soon they're going to die then I say let them dig." Alex picked up the book she'd brought and bidding goodbye to a cruel world started to read. Two paragraphs in she looked up and said "I can't believe Victoria Beckham wrote this herself." She pulled off the dust jacket and added, "In fact I know she didn't. This is Homer's Iliad. Why does this book have the wrong dust jacket?"

Fun as a cat fight between the only women on the team might be to watch, we will cut away before it can really get started. If it bothers you just remember this is text not TV so you wouldn't have seen any of it anyway. Major Theo Kaputsky was lead into an impressive throne room and looked around the walls were decorated with oil paintings in gilt edged frames. Each of the paintings showed a black tribble in what must have been a triumphant pose, because several of them also showed defeated or disheartened humans either kowtowing or fleeing in the face of his might wrath. "That is one messed up little dude."
"You dare to insult George, imperial ruler of ten thousand worlds, in his own throne room!" It was then that Theo noticed the throne was occupied by a jet black tribble the size of refrigerator. "I should have you executed. But it is clear that you are an outsider and unfamiliar with my race, so I will forgive your remark this once." Theo moved to stand where he felt he would show most respect, sadly being American he got it badly wrong but the insult went unnoticed. "I assume that you are explorers?"
Major Kaputsky cleared his throat, "Crazy job they gave me. But if I wasn't doing it, someone else would be. And they might get it wrong. Better it be me, despite the disadvantages." He suddenly realised how bad this sounded, "What the hell am I talking about? I must be nuts."
"I see." The emperor saw no reason to argue, "Tell me about your commander."
"He's a good person."
There was a shift in the tribble that suggested he doubted it and that if he had had a notebook he would have made a note in it. "What is he up to in your cell?"
Theo had hoped to avoid this question "He's up to nothing." An holographic image of Colonel Anderson scraping away at the wall appeared and hovered in the air in front of him. "At least nothing too bad."
"Very well." George had obviously reached a decision. "This has clearly been a misunderstanding, the guard captain will return your possessions and you will be free to leave in the morning. I look forward to better relations between the empire and your planet in the future."

Judging from the filters on the lights I'm guessing it's meant to be just after sunset when Major Kaputsky returned to the cell. He was carrying, just, all five sets of gear. After explaining the situation to the rest of the team in a way that didn't use any Keanu Reeves quotes at all, honest, Colonel Anderson decided that "We're not waiting around here until morning. If they didn't want us to fight our way out they wouldn't have returned our guns and explosives."
Daniel looked horrified. "It could be to test our trustworthiness and weren't you the one who said we should avoid starting a war?"
"From everything I've seen and heard on this planet," The colonel had a determined look in his eye and was already sticking c4 to the wall, "I don't think we'll really be free to go. Do you?"
"No," Daniel conceded. "But you ought to know that that wall leads to the guards quarters. Try sticking the explosives on the one with all the windows in it."

The scene shifts back to the emperor's throne room. Those of you with a cynical mind might wonder if this was to avoid showing an expensive special effect. (It's meant to be dramatic. We have plenty of budget left). Big budget my arse, if you had plenty of budget you'd get a better narrator! Anyway, as I was saying, the emperor’s throne room, two imperial guards are reporting to Emperor George. "Has the prisoner been returned to his cell?"
"Yes, Great One." Great one? That's never a good sign. "All is as you ordered. He was returned a few minutes ago with their equipment."
"Good work." George appeared smug for a moment and then had a moment of doubt. "Did you remember to remove all the weapons from their equipment, before you returned it?"
"Damn. I knew there was something." There was the sound of a distant explosion, which proves we don't have the budget to show it. "I'm guessing it's too late to get them back."
George gave his guard the tribble equivalent of an evil glare. "You have failed me for the last time, commander." When he realised how clichéd that sounded, the emperor would have kicked himself, but if they don't have the budget for an explosion they certainly can't afford a massive ambulatory tribble attacking itself. The guard commander clutched at his head and collapsed. Momentarily fluffy black fur started to grow all over his body.
George turned to the other guard. "Has your team finished their assignment, commander?"
"They have done what they can. But I ordered them to get clear of the area as soon as I heard that explosion." This guard knew his chances of surviving the night were slim but felt it best to be honest and die soon rather than lie and live maybe an hour longer. It may not be obvious to the observer how he passed on the order, but only if the observer has forgotten that tribble thralls are controlled telepathically. "I assumed you would value secrecy over perfection."
The emperor considered the situation carefully, allowing the newly promoted guard commander time to make peace with his gods. "You have done well. Keep your men off the main road, let them have a relatively clear run to the landing ground."

Now the scene fades to black, but sadly not for a commercial break. It seems that if they've invented street lighting on this planet someone hasn't turned it on. Fortunately for your heroes they have flashlights in their packs. Five figures emerge from the gloom with flashlight beams shining ahead of them. It looks like an Every Ready advert or an early episode of The X-Files. The team are running along the road, hoping that it leads to the welsh quarry where they parked their shipping crate. Arrows and crossbow bolts thud into the ground around them as they run.
Suddenly a beige shape lurched out of the shadows ahead of them. Without a moment's hesitation Major Kaputsky shot it in the head, justifying the vast sums of money spent on prop rifles rather than hard working narrators. The enforcer fell over, slightly unconvincingly but what do you expect from cheap extras.
Ten minutes later they are all strapped into their seats in the crew compartment. Captain Winter pressed a few buttons and the bottom seemed to drop out of their world. The observation point moves outside the ship to show off the stock special effect of it dropping into the ground. Which, thankfully, signals the start of the final commercial break.

For a minute or two no one said anything. Suddenly a muffled voice broke the silence, "Let me out of this bag." Dawn unzipped her backpack and after a little rummaging removed William from it. "Thank you. Did that getaway seem easy to anyone else?"
"Well obviously it was easy." The colonel seemed quite offended at the suggestion that he hadn't noticed. "I was expecting an ambush but I guess they wanted to be sure we'd escape."
"I see and did you give any thought as to why they wanted you to escape?"
"Presumably, because the major has been turned into a thrall," Anderson replied, calmly "And I'd assume they fitted some sort of tracking device to try and find our home world. But I'm told that's impossible."
William was taken aback by this remarkably and entirely unexpected show of intelligence. "OK, so you can see an enemy plot when it's written in huge letters in front of you. Also whilst it is impossible to track you through the wormhole network, it is possible to fit a device that broadcasts your intended destination when you first dial it." William cleared his throat, "Also there's a lockdown device in the base station that allows them to reroute any outgoing craft back to its starting point and the major seems to be changing."
Theo looked at the black fur growing on his hands. "If that's true, then I've made a mistake, and you should kill me now."
Anderson drew his side arm and shot him. As the echoes died away he said, "We should be prepared for a fight when we land."
"We could always redial from here." Captain Winter had clearly been paying more attention to the debate behind her than the average sci-fi hero usually does.
William seemed shocked, probably because a sensible suggestion was being made without twenty minutes of relating to the situation, "That's impossible and if it isn't it's insane. There are safeguards to stop you doing that, for a reason."
"We built our own engine, so some of the safeguards are probably missing. We found it was possible during a test flight a couple of months ago." She turned to Daniel. "Are you ready? Daniel? Yes, he's dead, but he was probably going to want to kill us soon. Get your console ready, I need you to keep us steady during this." Daniel lifted the lid on his side of the dashboard and hands still shaking touched the key pad. Everyone had a sudden feeling of deceleration. Daniels hands darted over the console while Alex entered a new destination and reversed the polarity of the neutron flow or whatever piece of technobabble was in vogue this time.

Minutes passed and the ship had begun to rock slightly. "Got it!" Alex cried and there was a sudden feeling of acceleration.
"They'll still know where to find your home planet." William pointed out. "I doubt it will be long before the emperor tries to invade."
"Only if I'd been stupid enough to dial home the first time." The captain said making it clear that this was the final word on the subject.

This landing seemed far less abrupt and loud than the previous one. The rest of the journey had been uneventful although William had been whimpering and twitching like someone who fully understood the reasons behind the safeguards that had been ignored on his behalf.
Captain Winter let out a sigh of relief. "Wherever we're going to end up, we're there."
"But are we home or back in the Tribble Empire again?" Daniel pondered.
As if by magic the brigadier appeared. "Ah, you have weturned safely." Then he noticed the slightly furry and extremely dead american. "I look forward to weeding you weports. But, for now, I wecommend that you hit the showers. Debwiefing will be at 0930 hours."
As the brigadier turned to leave William leaped on him, grabbed him by the collar, no small achievement for a tribble, and shouted "GET ME AWAY FROM THESE LUNATICS!"
(Hang on that not what happened in the script.) Tough luck there wasn't time for your rambling explanations of tribble culture and history. (But it's important.) No one cares about tribble dialects and feudal systems, besides why would he suddenly be calm like that? (Fine have it your way)

After the brigadier had departed with William, the crew of the first star crate left got to their feet, grabbed their kit and disembarked. Colonel Anderson and Captain Winter were the last to leave, the colonel suddenly realised something "This ship, crate, craft or whatever it is. It needs a name."
"I thought we might call it Pandora," Said the captain hoping he'd take the hint and never think of using it again. But sadly before we can show you how the rest of the conversion would really have gone the picture fades out and the end credits start. Which I guess means it’s going to be called Pandora from now on.

Robert Green