The Best of Bad SF
This column first appeared in issue 25 of the Matrix back in August 1999 and became a semi-regular feature.
#1: Space Truckers
It will be no surprise to anyone who knows me that my first choice for this new forum is the legendary cinematic experience that is Space Truckers.
I love this film. The very title gives a perfect idea as to the quality. The cast are brilliantly awful and are only matched by the dire scriptwriting.
The story is a simple one by modern SF standards (and remember that this film was only released in the last few years). Charles Dance, in an even worse role than in Alien 3, creates a super-cyborg, your usual state-of-the-art killing machine. Kind of like The Terminator, but with strings. Dance proceeds to get rearranged physically by his own work and disappears for the next hour of the film. Enter John Canyon (Dennis Hopper), an independent trucker with a clapped out rig doing all the jobs no one else will touch with a barge pole. We first meet him hauling trailers full of square pigs (for square meals), for the all-powerful "company". After having his load jacked (sounds painful – Ed.) Canyon is forced to take a secret load in order to recoup his losses and after some very silly bar-brawl scenes his crew expands from one to three and off they run with their infamous cargo in tow. Now guess what’s in those containers, yep, loads of Dance’s nasty little critters.
Everything looks rosy for our happy threesome, except that there's still another 55 minutes left to fill so up pops Charles Dance once more, complete with a half home made brain and a rip-cord manhood. Now he's leading a band of space pirates that act more like the Keystone Cops than anything else. Their bungling lets loose the cyborgs and then things start getting really funny as arms and legs fly in all directions. Dance ends up in a pile of green goo and our heroes have loads of nasties to contend with. All in all, a load of total and utter tripe that will have you wincing in pain as you watch, and yet you'll sit through it all and smile when it's finished (with relief most likely).
#2: Doctor Who – The Chase
This is a very odd story from the William Hartnell era, it is wrongly named for starters and should really have been called "Carry On follow that Dalek" (It’s early Terry Nation, what do you expect? All his scripts should have had Carry On in the title. – Ed.)
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Yes, the Dustbins are back and they want revenge. The Doctor it seems has interfered with their affairs once too often and a band of their elite (ha ha ha) set about chasing the TARDIS through time and space. And basically act silly. The Daleks in this story were all obviously being treated for severe mental problems and it's great fun watching them as they bungle their way from one place to another, always one step behind the Doctor’s trusty old blue box. |
The action inside the TARDIS isn't any better as the four occupants seem to have even less idea of what is supposed to be going on than the bemused viewer. They wander from pillar to post not doing anything, and taking six episodes to do it. From the Empire State Building to a haunted house to the planet of the killer mushrooms. Yes this story is complete pants, but if you get the chance watch it, if for no other reason than to have a damn good laugh.
#5: Spiderman – The TV movies (ZZZZzzzz…)
(Watch out, they’re coming right for us!)
Yes, run to the hills, we’ve been watching bad videos again.
A new cure has arisen for all chronic insomniacs and the best bit of all is that it’s free (well except for Jeremy, he actually paid for this travesty of seventies tripe). Ok let’s set the scene, Peter Purvis or should that be Parker. He’s a reporter for an American newspaper (totally original so far then) unknown to all his colleagues he’s really a pansy in a lycra suit (fully equipped with bondage gear) and spends his spare time chasing bad guys and looking for his fly in public toilets. Yes having been bitten by a radioactive arachnid he has the ability to do absolutely nothing of any interest whatsoever. The best thing about this outing for our stupor hero is that he has the opportunity to get on your nerves for one and a half hours (any longer and the senses begin to shut down one at a time until you end up as a quivering wreck on the floor with paramedics standing over you resuscitation equipment in hand). A great thing when your local A and E just closed down!!!!! So here are the edited highlights (or should that be low. First, people that survived appearing in this film:
Next there’s the amazing spider vision, this effect has got to be the best bit of naff TV seen for years (that’s because it hasn’t been on for years). Basically the screen flickers orange and Pete’s eyes flash like a 100watt bulb in a lightning storm, the strange thing is that nobody else on screen seems to notice this (probably because they’re too busy scanning the set for a rapid exit).
This film is also full of hand to hand combat, the only thing missing from these scenes are the cartoon biff’s, bamm’s and kappowwwwww’s that Batman would be so proud of. The audible sound effects do go some way to make up for this however, and every time a punch lands it seems that some guy off shot holding a clapper board just had a cardiac arrest. After this things get really silly (like they hadn’t been already), and you realise that your brain turned to jelly half an hour ago. So with that thought in mind give this a go and I’ll see you next meeting, you’ll be the one going Blurrrrr, Blurrrr, Blurrrr, Blurrrr, Blurrrr.
BOB rating: 
007: Army of Darkness
Some things in this life are very hard to define. Quantum Physics, Liz Hurley described as an actress and so on and so forth. In the same vein could be categorised this months instalment for the Best of Bad profile. Superman was, is it a bird, is it a plane? With this it's, is it sci-fi, is it fantasy, is it horror, or is it just pants? You can draw your own conclusions.
Imagine you’re in a remote log cabin in the deepest darkest ugliest forest you ever did see. Then have your girlfriend murdered, and recreated in Satan’s likeness, and you will understand how Ash feels, come the end of Evil Dead II. Now spawn the beast that is Army Of Darkness (The Medieval Dead).
Our "hero" is having a very bad day, first sucked through a huge vortex (wipe that smile off your face, this a family magazine). Then he's captured and mistaken for one of Henry's men (Henry has better taste. – Ed.) and thrown into a pit full of monsters, and that's just his new girlfriend ("give me some sugar," ---- and a bucket!!!) So starts the quest (yes I've finally got to the point), the search for the Book of the Dead that is the only thing with the power to send him home. Bruce Campbell, playing Ash in all three Evil Dead films, is the spitting image of Jim Carrey throughout, only much better, and the scene with him collecting the Necronomicon is straight out of The Mask (Or possibly Tom and Jerry. –Ed.) The story inevitably ‘progresses’ to the point where the dead rise from the grave to attack the combined armies of the surviving mortals. Just to confuse you even more the legion of dead is also led by Ash (no David hasn’t lost it – not quite anyway - just watch the film and you'll see what the hell he’s talking about, maybe. – Ed.) Ok, so without giving too much away, how do I describe the ending? Easy, I don't. |
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So there you have it, in the deepest darkest depths of the past there is only daft stuff with spear armed bony dead twits. Don't be put off of these films because of their horror label as you'll be missing out on a brilliant laugh a minute, camp piece of genius.
BOB Rating: Groovy!
Ross McNaughton & David James